All for Love

I've been laid up for a month now after having had surgery to have a Plantar wart extracted from the bottom of my right foot. I wasn't even going to mention this in a blog cuz I honestly thought that it was a small enough thing of no consequence. It has turned into...bah. Long story. Without going into details, the healing process has taken a really long time. I have been stuck in the house for a month and only got off crutches a few days ago. I even had to miss working our first outreach of the summer :(
All this to share that I have been doing a lot of reading. As you may have read below, I finally finished all of my required discipleship reading. Then I started reading a book I picked up when I lived in Kansas City 5 years ago and had never read. It's on Mike Bickle's top 10 books to read list. "When Jesus Returns" by David Pawson. AWESOME. About a third of the way into it, I stared having dreams again. I get dreams from the Lord in cycles and it had been a while. However, these dreams were full of symbology and needed some more paying attention to. So, then I got out my book called "The Seer" by Jim Goll to see if I could glean any dream interpretation wisdom from it. Not too much. It had been a while since I'd read it, so I kind of skimmed through it. I love Jim Goll's writing. He wrote a great book called 'Kneeling on the Promises' which I wish I had brought down here with me, but... sidetrack.
Okay. After two weeks of reading informational books, I confess I just wanted some fiction. So, I had my roommate Amy go borrow some from our boss's house. I ended up with Brock and Bodie Thoene's book series the A.D. Chronicles (missing book 2, however). I'd heard of the Thoene's before, but had never really been interested in reading any of their stuff. If for no other reason, I am glad that the surgery aftermath caused such intense boredom that I decided to read these books. They take place during Jesus' time and are so full of history and are just, plainly, anointed. I have been so deeply moved as I encounter the love and mercy of Christ on every page.
As I've mentioned before in earlier posts, I have a tendency to get 'religious' on myself-- and subsequently on others. I have that inner drive to be perfect before the Lord; so desperately want to be pure and shining, and then become incredibly disheartened when I fall short. I don't think this is necessarily a bad quality, however what has struck me is just how easily I can fall back into a 'works' oriented way of operating in my spiritual walk. Ten months of reading books on holiness and fear of the Lord left me feeling so unholy, so self-absorbed. With each book I read, I would be convicted of sin, feel utterly repentant and grieved at my inability to change myself. I would read, feel horrible, ask God for forgiveness, forget about it a few days later, read the next book, feel convicted, etc. In just a few days of reading these fiction novels, I have been transformed. What I mean is: encountering the presence of Jesus can, in an instant, bring healing, bring revelation, bring comfort, bring repentance, bring WHATEVER it is that we truly need. I have just been blown away, as I always am, when I encounter the love of Christ in such a way that it sidesteps what I think the real 'issues' are and goes straight to the heart of the matter. The ways that I act out are always rooted in something I am usually unaware of. But, Jesus is aware. Intimately so. And, He loves me so much that He goes right past all the shame I have about sin and touches on the places that need His healing touch so that I have no desire to even act out in the ways that I was. Am I making sense?
There is a time and a place for being convicted of sin. I believe the 10 months of discipleship reading laid the groundwork for Jesus to then just come in and love me into more wholeness. Hosea scribed, "He has torn us, but He will heal us."

In the book of Revelation, an angel says to John, "The bride has made herself ready!" I have often wondered what that meant. How can we, as the bride, make ourselves ready for communion with our Bridegroom? I finally feel like I am getting a picture of what this means. In the last year, I have been actively pursuing more training, more discipline, more teaching. I have been asking God to take inventory of my heart, to shine the light on areas that don't please Him. It has been incredibly painful and uncomfortable-- definitely confusing at times. What I didn't know was that I was preparing myself to meet Him at a deeper place of communion. I was making myself ready to meet Him.  He tore me apart, ripped me open, exposed things I didn't want to deal with, just so that He could then come and love me tenderly in the deepest, most wounded and ugly areas of my heart.  His love for us is so fervently jealous that He comes to burn up everything that hinders love in our lives.  He so desperately wants to 'catch the little foxes that spoil the vines, for our vines have tender grapes'.  Those little foxes, all those little things that we allow to linger-- sins, attitudes, judgments-- spoil the abundance of fruit He wants to grow in our relationship with Him.

I now have about a hundred other Scriptures popping into my mind that relate to all this... I better stop while I'm ahead.

Make yourself ready. Seek Him while He may be found.  Catch the little foxes. Let Him tear you, and then heal you.

Ya, Terminé! I'm Finished!

It's only the minimum, but I finally finished reading the very last book for my discipleship class at Fraternidad Cristiana Amor a Quisqueya!!  We still have about a month left of classes to attend, but yesterday evening I polished off the very last book.  Discipleship class at my church here is a 10 month commitment-- we meet every Saturday evening from 5-7 and receive great teaching from our pastor, Popín.  Within the first 10 weeks of class we are required to read the entire Bible, starting in Matthew and ending with Malachi.  The rest of our 'spare' time is spent reading a minimum of 12 assigned books the pastor has read and picked out for us.  Then we write reports on each one.  For the most part, I really liked his selection, though I was realizing the other day that every single book was written by a man.  I don't believe this was intentional, just interesting. The principles of discipleship aren't sex-related, though I do enjoy hearing a woman's perspective, too.

Anyway, here is a list of the books I had to read and I put an asterisk next to my faves:

1. Causa de una Tirania (this is a book in Spanish about the Dominican dictator Trujillo)
2. Stop Flirting with the Church and Fall in Love with the Family of God-- Joshua Harris
3. A Tale of Three Kings-- Gene Edwards
4. El Martir de Las Catacumbas (only available in Spanish and the author didn't have his name on the book)
5. The Heavenly Man-- Brother Yun *
6. Spiritual Warfare-- Dean Sherman *
7. El Clamor en el Barrio-- Freddie García
8. Not Even a Hint-- Joshua Harris
9. Fear of the Lord-- John Bevere *
10. Undercover-- John Bevere *
11. The Prayer of Jesus-- (can't remember the author's name, but it was my least favorite)
12. The Twelve Transgressions-- Sergio Scataglini *

After reading all these books and taking this class, the overall resounding theme is: I am not my own.  It has been both hard and good to have the Light shine on weak and sinful areas of my character these last 10 months. It has been both frustrating and a relief to know that these areas do not just 'go away' and that I will continually have to go to the Cross with them.  I both hated and loved acknowledging that I, truly, can't do life on my own-- I literally need the Spirit of God to transform me and enable me to do the things my flesh doesn't want to do.  I have discovered just how much I cling to 'religion' (doing godly things without God-- spirit of independence) and reject 'relationship' (humble surrendering to the One who can actually do godly things because He IS God).  Sanctification is a fiery process that I both desire and want to run from.  But as Paul exhorts in 1 Thessalonians 5:19: "Do not put out the Spirit's fire;"  and 4 verses later, "May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through.  May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.  The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it." !!!!

I am so thankful for God's faithfulness to us, the promise that he will do it as we continue to believe in and walk in Christ.  I can't make myself blameless, I can't be perfect, but Christ in me, the hope of glory, CAN and WANTS to as long as I keep myself yoked to Him with a broken and contrite spirit, desiring communion.

Being a disciple is being broken at the feet of Jesus.

Things that make you laugh AFTER the fact

"I have two letters for you: D...R..."

This comment made by my boss a while back was immediately followed by an eruption of laughter.  The laughter erupted from us Americans.  This comment has since become our signature statement whenever something transpires here in the DR-- things that make you go 'hmmm'.  

I had one of those somethings happen just yesterday.

After a 3-day staff retreat where God just blew us open, I dragged my very tired body to work in the morning.  Francisco I don't think even made it out of bed because his bright face never showed up.  Anyway, after sitting there at the school for a bit, I promptly fell asleep.  This never happens to me.  Never.  I can't even fall asleep on airplanes-- and often it takes hours for me to pass out in my own bed!  I was that wiped out.  I somehow jerked myself awake in time to greet a student who dropped by to show me some drawings she had been doing.  After she left, I felt the call of the sandman lulling me back to sleep and I thought-- NO! I must be productive!  I decided it would be a good time to go make photocopies I had put off for too long.  So, I gathered all the materials, locked up the school, hopped in my jeep and drove around town in circles for a good 15 minutes.  The town was packed and there was nowhere to park.  Nowhere.  At this point I had developed a good sized headache and decided it might be best if I just went home and finished sleeping.  On the way, I saw a little photocopy shop I'd never seen before and THERE WAS PARKING OUT FRONT!  I grabbed my books, other sheets of paper and my purse and sauntered into the little store.  The minute I walked in, the girl from behind the counter asked me what I needed.  I said I needed her to photocopy some stuff for me.  *This is one of the reasons I put off getting copies for so long-- you can't just do it yourself and the majority of the time your copies come out looking terrible (not good for an art school)*

She just looked at me and said, "You have to go to the other photocopy place.  We don't have any paper."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!

This wasn't so funny at the time.

I just smiled and thought, "Of course you don't have paper.  What was I thinking?"

Instead of driving circles around town again in search of a copy shop who actually HAS paper, I decided to stick with the original plan and just go home and sleep.

I have two letters for you...

2- Second Encounter

This afternoon on my walk to work, I passed two light- blue and tan uniformed high school girls giggling and gossiping with eachother.  A normal sight.  However when they reached the corner, one of them looked into our yard, ritually crossed herself, kissed her fingers and just kept walking.  I had an inner chuckle thinking about when I was in high school and my friend Kelly would interrupt a conversation to kiss her fingers and touch the roof of her car every time we went through a yellow light on the drive to school or passed a cemetery.  

As I continued my stroll in the spring heat, I pondered this young girl's action, wondering how religious or devoted she really was.  Obviously she was brought up Catholic and had been taught these little rituals of reverence (oh, by the way, we have a shrine to the Virgin Mary in our front yard-- well, the owners do).  Then one of the military guards who sits in front of a rich person's house with a rifle asked me why I was walking on such a hot day.  I smiled, telling him I liked the sun and then I forgot all about the girl.  She came back to mind, however, on my trek back home.  In my mind I started having an imaginary conversation with her.  I asked her why she crossed herself and kissed her fingers.  Her imaginary self told me that she was blessing the Virgin Mary and God and recognizing that a shrine was a place of holiness.  I nodded to her and then shared with her the Scripture about when we believe in Christ, our bodies become temples of the Holy Spirit, so just imagine crossing yourself and kissing your fingers all day long because YOU are that holy place where He dwells!  That's when I gasped.  All of a sudden I had an instant revelation of how much I do not reverence the Holy Spirit who lives inside of me.  I can go a whole day complaining, daydreaming, thinking about Him, asking Him to bless my food, etc, but how often do I take time to stop and recognize His holiness within me? Ew.  I felt like both Peter and Isaiah when, in the presence of holiness, exploded with "I'm not worthy! I'm unclean!" sentiments.  For a split second I was taken into heaven before the throne where all the angels cry 'HOLY!' and the elders throw their crowns.  Powerful.

I often make my living relationship with the Living God a common thing.  I take for granted that I am saved by grace through faith and that I have eternal life.  I often forget that I have the only holy presence that exists inhabiting this earthly frame.  That is His mercy.

I am not sharing this because I feel condemned.  I am sharing this because I was awesomely humbled and, today, fell in love with Him just one more time.

What may have been a mindless ritual, God used to awaken this sleeping bride.

MMMMM

Yep. First cup back was awesome.
But Jesus is more awesome.

Sobering Up

I'm fasting from coffee. I'm not gonna lie, it really sucks.  Don't get me wrong, when God asks me to fast from something I get filled with this tangible expectation of Him doing something wonderful because of it.  But coffee?? I'm not a pot-a-day drinker like some people I know.  I just like to have a tall, piping hot cup in the morning while I have my devotional time with God. Sometimes I like a little 'pick-me-up' in the afternoon, too.  So, when God nudged me to get off coffee for a while I didn't think it would be too big of a deal.

It's a big deal.

The first few days were the worst, physically, as I endured migraine-level headaches that no amount of medicine could take away.  After that passed, it was the struggle of wanting something warm and creamy instead of something hot and watery (tea).  After a couple weeks of tea drinkin', I just gave up having a morning beverage, except for the occasional hot chocolate (which isn't too exciting if you use Dominican Cocoa).  The physical cravings for it have ceased.  The emotional cravings persist.  I find myself being envious in the mornings when my roommates are happily sipping away on their joe.  And last night at Bible Study, I had to control the urge to knock a cup of coffee out of Ruth's hand.  I don't even drink coffee at night!  What is the issue?  As I've shared with several people that I'm fasting coffee, I've had intense reactions from other coffee drinkers that (1) help me not feel so alone and (2) scare the **** out of me.  One friend even said that Jesus asking one to fast coffee is like having Jesus ask you to drain all the blood out of your body.

Everyday, I tell God that I hope he's going to use this time for incredible breakthrough in my life.  It's a two month fast that, ironically (?) ends on Easter Sunday.  And, no, I'm not doing it for Lent-- I started it before I even remembered about Lent-- but I like the idea of Lent.

Have I noticed a change in my intimacy with God because of this fast?  Actually, yes, though I didn't make the connection until now.  I have become much more whiny, much more desperate, and much more dependent.  I have also become much more sensitive to the Spirit and stronger in my walk with Him.  Taking away something that I depended on to help me enter into my day has caused me to become more in touch with my fears, anxieties, hopes, dreams, insecurities and longings.  I still long for that coping element, that numbing element, that soothing element that I can control and take whenever I want, but I feel the trade-off is worth it.  I want coffee to be something I can enjoy with God, not something I need to get through my day.  I don't want coffee to become the substitute to God's very real presence in my life.   I am looking forward to April 13th, when I can have my first cup of coffee, but I have a feeling that the lust will have gone out of it for me and that is a blessing.

A Step in the Right Direction

Today my good friend Arlene invited me to come over and make stepping stones with her.  Though I've stepped on my fair share of these garden adornments, I've never actually made one.  Arlene, being her awesome self, went around town and bought some gravel, some sand, some cement, and some diesel fuel (to line our containers so that the cement mix wouldn't stick).  We proportioned out the ingredients and hand mixed our own 'stuff', including a bit of blue dye to make the stones a little better looking.  Arlene sawed off the ends of a plastic bucket to use for our molds-- we hope they turn out okay.  These 'stones' will become a pathway leading up to our new social work site in Los Higos that Arlene leads.  The feet of women and youth on their way to knitting class or sewing class will pass over these little pieces of art.  Mine says: I am the Way.  Here are some photos: