One aspect of the parable of the 10 virgins found in Matthew 25 that has always been a bit surprising to me is the part where all 10 virgins fall asleep while they're waiting for their bridegroom. Actually, there are a lot of aspects of this parable that are surprising and cause me to want to meditate on it more and more. In fact, when you look at the story, the only thing separating the wise and foolish virgins was the amount of oil each woman brought with her. They all heard the call, 'the bridegroom is coming!'. They all responded to that call and went out to meet him. They all lit their oil lamps to light their way. They all fell asleep together while they waited. The only difference is that when they all awoke, only 5 had enough EXTRA oil to keep their lamps burning while they waited for the dashing man to show up. The other five had to leave camp and go buy more oil because the other 5 refused to share. And, they missed the coming of the bridegroom. This causes me to wonder. Is is really important to God that these ladies were able to continue to see through the night? Wasn't the fact that the 'foolish' virgins even came and were still present when they heard the call enough? I mean, 5 other virgins had lit lamps, so surely the whole camp of 10 would be able to see by that light. Did those five foolish virgins have to leave camp, really? Couldn't they have stayed and sat in the dimmer light provided by the other virgins? I'm thinking that I am probably missing a deeper meaning. It's not that I haven't heard plenty of teachings on this parable. More often than not, I have heard it preached that the oil in the lamps symbolizes the Holy Spirit and that those who foster more intimacy with Him won't have lamps that go out. Hmmm. In the parable, it is clear that the wise virgins thought ahead. They planned better. The foolish virgins had what was needed, but it wasn't enough. They didn't foresee having to wait longer. Maybe they were hasty and just didn't think about it at all. When I think about it more, it seems to me that the oil symbolizes waiting. It's not so much the oil (even the five fools had oil), but the thought behind bringing more, the looking ahead to the possibility of delay. The five wise were committed to WATCHING for him; to WAITING for him, no matter how long it took. Just before sharing this parable, Jesus is quoted in Matthew 24:42 saying, "Watch therefore, for you do not know what hour your Lord is coming." The foolish virgins had a desire to meet and see the bridegroom. They had heard about him and knew that they were to go out and meet him. But they didn't have that deeper desire that would cause them to prepare ahead of time to wait. They were not on watch. They were aware, they responded, but they weren't adequately prepared.
Why am I ruminating on this?
Because lately I have felt like a virgin falling asleep as she waits. Lately I have felt like the answers to the cries of my heart aren't coming fast enough and I'm tired of looking, tired of waiting. I am in a spiritual wilderness/desert/dry spot and though I've heard the call, have responded, have packed my things and headed out to meet him, I feel like it's been a long time since I heard the call and feel like maybe he's forgotten about me. Maybe he's just not coming.
I have not been able to put into words what it has been like making such a drastic shift from being a missionary 24/7 to going back to 'normal' American life in a new city. I have written about the wonderful things like discovering joy in ice skating, cool aspects of my new church and how God lead me to my 'normal' job, but I have found it difficult to write about the incredible disappointment I have felt in feeling so alone in this new place. Though I am learning so much at my new church, it has been nearly impossible to build community. If I go to the Messianic services on Saturday mornings, I am blessed to be learning how to pray in Hebrew, but am also the only single person my age in the entire congregation. If I choose to go to regular service on Sunday, I will see a few more people my age, but they are in a sea of hundreds of other people and there is no time for 'meet and greet' before or after service. My church just started up their home groups again for the new year. There is even one for singles. However, all these groups take place on Friday night and I have to work. No one at work would trade shifts with me and I need the money. It's discouraging!!! I even met a good-looking guy my age at the ice rink last week who asked for my phone number and then proceeded to call me and ask if I'd like to join him for dinner. I was ecstatic! Maybe God was going to finally answer my cries for my lifemate! He invited me over, cooked me fresh cod, we had wonderful conversation and HE DOESN'T KNOW JESUS! I was devastated. Here is this wonderful person wanting to get to know me and I can't continue dating him because I know that it would end in misery. I found my heart trying to make excuses, trying to work my way around the fact that we don't share faith in Christ. In my frustration, disappointment, heartbreak, fatigue and loneliness, I am way tempted to just fall asleep to my faith. I am tempted to let the light burn out. I, like the foolish virgins, believe in the Bridegroom. I want to see Him. My soul, however, is fighting to stay awake, to keep on track, to relish in righteousness and holiness and obedience when I feel abandoned, forgotten.
Jesus was tempted in the wilderness. He was tempted by Satan with things that had already been promised to Him by His Father: power, authority, protection. Satan offered an alternative way, a way that seemed more pleasing, easier. But Jesus refused and chose the narrow way. He chose the way of the Cross and received all the promises His Father had made him-- but He received them in freedom and not as a slave. He received them in Life and not chained to Death. And because of His choice, I now have that same freedom and I now have resurrection life. The fulfillment of the promises received have now been transferred to me, if I just believe. However, along with freedom, life and inheritance of the promises, I am faced with the same temptations as Jesus. I am here, in the wilderness, where the Holy Spirit drove me and am being tempted to doubt God's goodness. I am being tempted by Satan with an offering that looks and smells very close to the promise of God over my life, but that comes with the cost of slavery and death. So, will I wait? Will I choose the way of the Cross, die to my own desires for fulfillment and comfort on my own terms, or will I let myself fall asleep; let my oil burn out?
"No temptation has overtaken you except that such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it." 1 Cor. 10:13
I am going to choose the narrow way, the way of escape. I am going to choose to wake myself back up, pack some more oil and WATCH and WAIT for my bridegroom. I am going to wake myself up from this slumber of disappointment and shake off the dust of the night, rub the sleep from my eyes and look hard into eternity with the eyes of faith.
