I usually don't comment much on anything other than how I'm doing emotionally, mentally or spiritually save an occasional cultural anecdote. Today, however, I want to mention a couple of books I've read or have been reading that are affecting me greatly. One that I am still reading is called
Messy Spirituality by Michael Yaconelli. When I started reading this book plans to put quotes from it onto this blog began forming in my mind. However, it turns out I just want to quote the whole darn thing. At one point I actually DID underline something before I realized that I'd be underlining everything if I kept at it. Here is what I underlined: "Jesus responds to desire. Which is why he responded to people who interrupted him, yelled at him, touched him, screamed obscenities at him, barged in on him, crashed through ceilings to get to him. Jesus cares more about desire than
competence. My hunch is that most of you reading this book feel incompetent
and you can't let go of Jesus. Jesus sees right through your incompetence into a heart longing for him." Though so simple, it is bringing me face to face with my desires to be perfect before him and others. For whatever reason, Jesus is allowing me to face yet more layers of my own inadequacies and the self-hatred and fear of rejection it causes. Though I find it easier to have grace for others who are struggling and 'fall short' I am constantly sitting in the judgment seat over my own life. And, though reading about God's love and grace makes me cry with relief, I still can't believe it wholeheartedly. Which leads me to the next book:
The Shack by author William P. Young. Wow. This book is revolutionary. It is a fiction novel written as though it were based on a true story. I don't want to give even the slightest bit away because I want everyone to go and read it. All I can say is that it is deeply challenging the strongholds of religiosity that plague my life to a point that is making me really uncomfortable-- not because I don't agree, but because such knowledge is too wonderful for me. It's like I'm coming face to face with a freedom I find is easier to talk about than to experience. Everything in me, though indelibly drawn to it's magnitude, also wants to repel every bit of the truth of it. Come face to face with the profound love of God for you. It hurts so good.
Ironically, I am reading these two books at the same time as another:
Chosen for Life by Sam Storms. The subject of this book is simply predestination. Not a simple subject for the human mind, however. I've never believed in predestination, but starting about 7 months ago, it became almost all I could see in Scripture. I have felt God nudging me to explore this idea and since I have never studied it or heard anyone talk about it, it's been slow-going. I came upon this book while I was back home in the States. It discusses both traditional sides of predestination (Arminian vs. Calvinism), but is written to support the Calvinist view-- that, yes, indeed, God predestines some to receive salvation, not based on what decision He knows they will make, but based on His sovereign choice or election. I am slowly reading through this book, trying to keep an open mind. I have always held the Arminian viewpoint without knowing that's what it was: that we are chosen to be IN CHRIST, whoever believes-- not only those God has chosen beforehand. Today, as I write, I am undecided in my heart. As I read The Shack, I am tempted to remain a wholehearted believer that God would never choose only some to inherit salvation, but that Jesus' death on the Cross was for EVERY man, woman and child and that WHOEVER believes will inherit eternal life. However, I must admit that in reading Chosen for Life, I am swayed to believe that it is true, without God pursuing me and choosing me, I would have never chosen Him. Without faith being given to me to believe, my sinful propensity toward darkness would have ensued. I am comfortable saying, "I dunno", knowing full well that God wants to grant me both knowledge and peace in this area. But that's His doing.
In the meantime, I am a mess. But I am His mess.
I love you.
my roommate, Amy
Andrea and me
