Nothing in Particular

It's 9:38 pm. I just finished eating a plate of spaghetti and the best thing about it were the artichoke hearts I cooked into the sauce. In about an hour and half, Clint will get home from work. This was the afternoon I was supposed to spend doing art of some kind. Not homework -related art, as the semester has ended, but just the anything-I-want kind. We even took apart my dining-room studio yesterday, cleaned it out and rearranged it so that I could have a fresh start today. Instead, a handful of people called this afternoon and then some of them came over. It's now late and all I've sketched today are some tree skeletons. At least it's something.
I am in a funny place in life. Now that I don't have school telling me what I should draw or paint or sculpt and how I should do it, I have to try and figure out what it is I actually like to do. Paint? Draw? Definitely not sculpt, I know that much. What do I feel like communicating through image? Do I just want to lay medium down on paper and let my soul and arms do the work or do I want to really plan out what I want to show? Gah! It's odd to have the freedom I need to have in order to do what I want to do and instead am sitting at the computer typing about what I wanted to do earlier. I am nervous, intimidated, daunted by my options. I thought I might want to draw some barren trees in charcoal on watercolor paper. I started to and I don't like it. I have to go back to it, study it, figure out if I want it to look more realistic or impressionistic or representational or... do I do it all in charcoal? add paint? add oil pastel? all of the above?
I have decided to discontinue going to art school. The cost is too overwhelming. Clint and I want to buy a house, travel around visiting people we love and miss, raise some kiddos (no, I'm not pregnant, yet, but still trying). It's one of those frustrating things in life, facing the letting go of come-lately dreams. I love the Academy of Art University. But, I will never be an artist for Pixar or Disney. I'll probably never show in a hip New York Gallery. Other than glorifying God with the talents He's given me, these are reasons for continuing toward a degree. An education can be garnered anywhere you seek learning and so I've decided to continue my education by hanging out with other artists in town, by checking out dvd's from the library, by attending cool workshops whenever we can afford it. Over time, I will grow as an artist as long as I continue to practice, observe, record and play. A degree guarantees me an overwhelming debt load, not a career. I go back and forth on this, but mostly I'm convinced that if I continue to offer this talent up to God, He will make a path for it. I will miss taking classes at such a cool University and getting incredible feedback and instruction from seasoned instructors. But, it's time to move on to other wonderful things in life. Like, going to bed.
Goodnight!