The Things We Don't Understand

"...being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ;" Php. 1:6

He's never done. And even though I have the above scripture pretty much memorized, He still catches me off guard when He comes in to complete more of the work.
I remember thinking back in 2005 when I was going on a short-term trip to Nigeria to administer Polio vaccine that I was entering the last 'promise of God' that I knew about in my own life. What I mean is that throughout my growing up years, every so often I'd get these flash visions of myself as an adult standing in Africa, holding a baby and talking with some women. In my mind, that was the be all, end all. But, as I was standing in Africa just 3 years ago, holding a baby and talking to some women, I felt fulfilled. I didn't feel called to move my whole life to Africa. I remember coming back to California feeling confounded and a little lost. Silly, I know. Just months later, our church decided to establish a missions program and I lead an 8-person team down here to the Dominican Republic. While here for two weeks, God resurrected this old dream I'd had as a 15 year old, to live for a couple years in a Spanish speaking country, get fluent and make art. I had let that dream die due to many factors and had a hard time reconciling myself with it as God kept moving my heart around, opening a desire to come and serve here. And, still, within my first year here, I kept asking God, "But, what next? I mean, I've been in Africa, I'm doing the Spanish/art thing now, but what comes after, God?"
It's amazing what things we forget, what things we don't understand. But, God never forgets, nor is He short on understanding. Not only did He form me in my mother's womb, He chose where I would live, what I would do and the kind of relationship I would have with Him.
Ever since I was little, maybe 5 or 6, I would tell people that I was going to write a book one day. As I grew a little older and learned how to write, I was always penning short stories, TV scripts, poems. I even had a dream as a teenager where I was reading at the title of a book and when I looked to see who the author was, it was me! Something in me has always known I was made to be a writer. Yet, a different something in me felt like it wasn't noble enough. But, this last year, God has been, once again, coming in to remind me of the work still left uncompleted in the life He designed for me. And the ways He comes in to lovingly remind me, to encourage me as my adoring Father... well, he just knocks me down every time.
Tonight I was feeling discouraged for various reasons, but as I took my seat in the front row of my weekly discipleship class at church, I set my mind to glean all I could from the teaching. The pastor at one point asked a question, which I answered under my breath not intending to be heard, but he did hear it and he pointed at me and said, "Amy Babb. Amy Babb. You have the name of an author. 'Written by Amy Babb.'" He giggled, I answered the question so everyone could hear and he moved on. He didn't know it, but God had just used this man to affirm me in something that I so long to do, so long to be.
I think that it's hard sometimes to believe that the things we most desire are really God's desires for us. I often struggle with the seeming contradiction of: "Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart" and "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked, who can know it?" I realize these things are not in contradiction because God is completely true always, but I have still gotten caught in the trap of believing that my good desires are not necessarily good. I think part of this comes from walking through fires and trials that God has called me into, things I didn't desire, but were from Him.
Okay, I admit it. I want to be an expert on the ways of God. It's true. I want all understanding, all knowledge-- just overall omni-whatever. But I also love surprises. I beg God daily to reveal His will in my life, but when He actually does it, I get that same excitement of receiving an unexpected present. That's how I felt tonight. God has been telling me, through my desire, through encouragement of others, that yes, writing is something he wants me to do. But He went the extra mile tonight and caught me off guard by using someone who barely knows me. I don't get it. I'll never get His love that continually works on my behalf. I'll never understand why sometimes He talks to me non-stop and at others is silent for too long (in my opinion :) ).
I want to be complete, yet I love that there are things left for Him to do. I want to be in the fulness of His presence, yet I love it when He shows up unexpectedly after a long absence. I am addicted to the mystery.